Email to a Lazy Coworker

Xenia Hanna

Dear Lea:

Bet you’ll never guess where I am today? Of course you won’t. You’re not even reading this yet—it’s too early. Besides, I was never big on keeping secrets!

I am at my new job! Surprised? I thought you might be. OMG how much it sucked not to tell on myself. So are you more surprised that I kept a secret, or that I am starting a new job today? More importantly, this also means that I won’t be coming in! Maybe all three things are shocking you.

This probably means you’ll have to do most, if not all, of the work I won’t be there to do myself, but that’s ok, right? I mean, I would do it for you. Ha! And that’s a fact, because for the past 14 months I have done it for you. LOL

That’s actually why I’m leaving, but I’ll get to that in a minute.

First, though, I want to express my gratitude, because it’s you, yes you, I have to thank. And that’s all because two months ago, you left a pay stub out where I would find it. Shame—everyone knows how nosy I am! It’s easy to laugh about it now, but you can only imagine how pissed I was when I saw how much more you make than me. Especially when you consider that I have a degree, and you don’t, and I have more experience and I have been with the company three years longer than you. Shoot me now, right?

So I went home and got drunk. You’ll remember—I called in sick the next day—bitch of a hangover. LOL I just said bitch. I can say that now. I don’t work there anymore! (I love saying that!) It was so hard not to cuss around you too! It almost killed me, especially after The Day of the Pay Stub. But, as you know perfectly well, HR thinks “some people” find that offensive.

Anyway, I went home and got drunk, and then called in sick the next day—and you kept calling me to ask where things were and how to do stuff… WTF, right? But that was ok, b/c all that calling woke me up and I went out and got a paper and started looking at the classifieds and, lo and behold, there was a job paying 15K more than I am making now, which, if you’ll do the math, is 13K more than you’re making, which pleases me even more than knowing I won’t be coming in today.

This new job is fabulous, too. It’s less work than I am doing now, or was doing because I only have to do ONE job and that’s MY job. Not my job and your job—just my job! Which is especially funny if you consider that you now have to do my job AND your job!!! And make 13K less than I’m making. Seriously! Do you see why this is so funny? I do.

But anyway, I do owe you, so to speak, because if you had pulled your fair share of the weight, and by that I mean actually did your job, and if you had not been such a disaster, I never would have started looking, but you didn’t, and you were, and so I did! And the rest of the story is, I have such a huge skill set from doing the work of two people, I was the only person they interviewed. I basically named my own price. Isn’t that great?

So really I owe my happiness to you, and it’s expanded upon and maximized by the knowledge that you also owe your unhappiness (and won’t even know it for an hour) to you!

To recap:

1. Not coming in today
2. That’s because of you
3. Making 15K more than I was
4. Only doing one job
5. You'll be doing two

I hope your day goes by super fast!

Best,
Melanie.


About the Author

Xenia Hanna is a freelance humor writer living in Alabama. It is often said of her, "Xenia is the new Erma Bombeck." Xenia says this often. She collects donuts, rescue dogs and witty things her friends say in the acclaimed "Tiny Pink Notebook Full of Funny." Some of her best friends are Schnauzers. You may find more of Xenia's work on the Scottish satire site, Wreckered, and Habit Magazine.